Saturday, April 7, 2012

Newsflash! Conservatives are racists!

It's going to be a busy, busy weekend in the Darkheart household*, so here's an update for today (well, yesterday. Damn, it's late) and I'll try to squeeze in a couple of quickies over the weekend.

Think Progress has a short post up about conservative columnist/National Review contributor John Derbyshire who, big surprise, is a huge flaming racist. In his latest, ah, commentary? Column? Pile of shit? Derbyshire makes a nice list of lessons to his kids about race called The Talk: Nonblack Version.

Oh wait, did I say "nice"? I meant "racist as fuck".

Some gems:
(4) The default principle in everyday personal encounters is, that as a fellow citizen, with the same rights and obligations as yourself, any individual black is entitled to the same courtesies you would extend to a nonblack citizen. That is basic good manners and good citizenship. In some unusual circumstances, however—e.g., paragraph (10h) below—this default principle should be overridden by considerations of personal safety.
[Emphasis mine.] So, be polite to blacks, but only if they're not scary blacks! *eye roll* (We'll get to 10h a little later)
(8) These differences are magnified by the hostility many blacks feel toward whites. Thus, while black-on-black behavior is more antisocial in the average than is white-on-white behavior, average black-on-white behavior is a degree more antisocial yet.
"Antisocial" has got to be a dogwhistle. You can almost feel how much Johnny wants to use the word "monkeys".
(10c) If planning a trip to a beach or amusement park at some date, find out whether it is likely to be swamped with blacks on that date (neglect of that one got me the closest I have ever gotten to death by gunshot).
What is this I don't even
Look, how exactly does one go about calling Disneyland and asking if they're planning on being "swamped with blacks"? Never mind, it's pretty fucking clear that Johnny has no problem letting his racist flag fly, so he probably has called Six Flags and demanded a count of non-whites on the premises.

(As an aside, does he think there are special "black days" at the beach, like ladies nite at the bar or some shit? Are African Americans statistically more likely to hit the surf during the second weekend of August? Are there super-secret holidays that white people don't know about? I absolutely do not understand what the fuck is going on here, but Jesus Christ, it's paranoid.)
(10g) Before voting for a black politician, scrutinize his/her character much more carefully than you would a white. 
White people: automatically more trustworthy!
(10h) Do not act the Good Samaritan to blacks in apparent distress, e.g., on the highway
 Safety first, kids! That black family in distress is just waiting to ambush you!
(11) The mean intelligence of blacks is much lower than for whites. The least intelligent ten percent of whites have IQs below 81; forty percent of blacks have IQs that low. Only one black in six is more intelligent than the average white; five whites out of six are more intelligent than the average black. These differences show in every test of general cognitive ability that anyone, of any race or nationality, has yet been able to devise. They are reflected in countless everyday situations. “Life is an IQ test.”
Let's see, so far we've hit on violent, angry, and dumb. How many more shitty stereotypes can Johnny pack in before the end?
(13) In that pool of forty million, there are nonetheless many intelligent and well-socialized blacks. (I’ll use IWSB as an ad hoc abbreviation.) You should consciously seek opportunities to make friends with IWSBs. In addition to the ordinary pleasures of friendship, you will gain an amulet against potentially career-destroying accusations of prejudice.
"I even let him use my bathroom!"

 At the end, Johnny shoots his wad telling us (if we're white or Asian**) that his advice might save your kids' lives!1!!

This is why we can't have nice things, America. Instead of everyone mocking and shunning John Derbyshire's views on race, he has a job as a columnist. How can we ever progress if people are willing to financially support this horseshit?

*Passover seder tomorrow night, followed by Easter, which means cooking all day long. Ugh.
Plans include:
Charoset (easy)
homemade matzo (quick)
"heavenly" lemon pie (difficult, time consuming)
some sort of veggie dish to be determined at some point before I go to the supermarket

**Nobody else matters, I guess.


  1. This was awesomely hilarious. I love your sense of humor about fucked-up shit.