Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Really, Newt?

Since none of you douchebags* texted me while I was at work to tell me that Santorum was quitting the race, I'm not going to comment on it. So there.

Newt Gingrich's reaction, however, is freaking priceless.
I am committed to staying in this race all the way to Tampa so that the conservative movement has a real choice. I humbly ask Senator Santorum’s supporters to visit Newt.org to review my conservative record and join us as we bring these values to Tampa. We know well that only a conservative can protect life, defend the Constitution, restore jobs and growth and return to a balanced budget.

Any rational person in the same position would have backed out long before now, but not Newt! He's no quitter! I've got a few theories as to why:
  1. The super PAC that is funding Newt's campaign (Winning Our Future**), really REALLY wants to stick it to Willard "Billy" "Mitt" "Mittens" "Rmoney" Romney, even if it means losing millions of dollars in the process. 
  2. Alternately, someone involved with the Winning Our Future super PAC really REALLY wants to send Newt to the moon. And perhaps leave him there.
  3. He's holding out for a VP nod. Winning the silver in a marathon of stupid has to come with some sort of prize, right? ... Right?
  4. This is Newt's jorb. He's going to perpetually run for office until the end of time. (Kind of like Ron Paul, now that I think of it.)
In light of the fourth theory, may I humbly suggest a new public awareness campaign: Give Newt a Job Now!?  We'll launch a facebook group and post commercials on YouTube asking employers to please consider giving Newt a job, any job, to keep him off the streets and out of politics for good. 

*Love you!
**That doesn't sound Orwellian or anything. No way.

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